this summer has been a long struggle for me. i’ve had moments and days of beauty and wonder and happiness, but they’ve been bookended by physical and mental struggles that are outside my normal range. i’ve been dealing with nearly overpowering anxiety. i’m easily stressed and pushed to tears, i’ve lost so much of my energy and enthusiasm for athletics and eating and spending time with others, physically i just don’t feel well. it seems like i always have a sour stomach or headache or am tired or feeling on edge/unhappy. anxiety about even tiny things builds me up into knots and it keeps me restless for days. turns me nervous and pensive. pushes me deep inside a shell and i just want to keep hiding and pretend there is and i hope this emotional drain is passing and no problem.
i have dealt with similar problems in the past, but nothing like this intensity or longevity has popped up before. it’s so frustrating. i wish there was some quick-fix but one doesn’t exist. through counseling, i’ve learned some techniques that have helped me cope, but crawling out of this hole is such a long process. whatever triggered this path down the dark, shameful spiral of anxiety is a complete mystery. i thought things were fine and then…i just hit a wall. it’s so hard to accept that these destructive, awful feelings are real.
being so open and public about emotions is very difficult for me, but for some reason this felt important. maybe my admission will help someone else along, or maybe it’s okay just to put this out into the void anyway.