struggling with anxiety

this summer has been a long struggle for me. i’ve had moments and days of beauty and wonder and happiness, but they’ve been bookended by physical and mental struggles that are outside my normal range. i’ve been dealing with nearly overpowering anxiety. i’m easily stressed and pushed to tears, i’ve lost so much of my energy and enthusiasm for athletics and eating and spending time with others, physically i just don’t feel well. it seems like i always have a sour stomach or headache or am tired or feeling on edge/unhappy. anxiety about even tiny things builds me up into knots and it keeps me restless for days. turns me nervous and pensive. pushes me deep inside a shell and i just want to keep hiding and pretend there is and i hope this emotional drain is passing and no problem.

i have dealt with similar problems in the past, but nothing like this intensity or longevity has popped up before. it’s so frustrating. i wish there was some quick-fix but one doesn’t exist. through counseling, i’ve learned some techniques that have helped me cope, but crawling out of this hole is such a long process. whatever triggered this path down the dark, shameful spiral of anxiety is a complete mystery. i thought things were fine and then…i just hit a wall. it’s so hard to accept that these destructive, awful feelings are real.

being so open and public about emotions is very difficult for me, but for some reason this felt important. maybe my admission will help someone else along, or maybe it’s okay just to put this out into the void anyway.

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41 thoughts on “struggling with anxiety

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For the anxiety are you on any kind of medication? If so, do you need to see about changing it and if you aren’t is medication an option you want to look into? My siblings both have to deal with anxiety and they describe it exactly like you just did. Thinking about you!

    1. thanks for the kind thoughts! at this point, i’m not looking into medication, because my anxiety has been episodic more than constant. but if it was constantly as bad as my worst week, when i had 4-5 anxiety attacks, i would definitely look into something! since about a month ago, i have been gradually improving…hopefully i will be able to reset back to what’s normal for me, which is feeling anxious only every month or two.

  2. I totally know how you feel and it was kinda good to read your post this morning, so hang in there, it will pass, and be strong in the knowledge that these are the character building years (most of our whole bloody lives) and that from these experiences you will see clearly, be mindful of yourself and others and be able to see the wood from the trees, hopefully when that brighter future dawns on you – you will be able to emerge chrysalis like into the sunshine. (a tad poetic but that’s how it feels to me)

    1. thank you for your kind words! my mom always says that tough things are character-building:). i like your positive spin on it, that these troubles allow us to see more clearly and perhaps even be more empathetic to others. ❤

  3. just saw this, rin, and wrote you an email. lots and lots of love to you, and thank you for sharing this. it does take bravery to even reveal this kind of anxiety, i know this well, and i am glad you put this out there. i think it helps to separate it from yourself a little, through writing it, because then it’s easier to realize that as shitty and all-consuming as it feels, it is not a permanent part of you. you are tough and resourceful and creative, you will deal with this, and this will pass.

    i’ve been anxious nearly my whole life, i think (not an exaggeration — first remembered panic attack at age 3) and have had some really severe bouts. but slowly i’ve come to see it not as a weakness or failing, though, simply as something that happens to me, that comes and goes but does not define me, and i should not be ashamed. i understand the negative self-feelings though, so don’t feel bad about having those, either — just know that you will get through, you are in control, and this cannot last forever.

    1. thank you for your words, they’re so positive and helpful! it’s so important to remember that we are not defined solely by the bad that lives inside us. we are much more than panicky and anxious! and your last line was so comforting. thank you<3

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