recently i’ve been having such a hard time with the way i look. i’m the most fit i’ve ever been in my life–i can run 6-8 miles easily, bike for hours at a fast pace, i’m flexible and strong from fourteen years of yoga–but i’m struggling to love my body. i hate the way my thighs rub when i walk in a skirt and the way t-shirts and jeans frame my stomach. i’m trying so hard but i just don’t know how to reprogram my brain. it isn’t easy that i have so much photographic evidence of me being ten or fifteen pounds lighter (early 20s! ugh) and that it’s been so difficult to lose that weight. something happened; it seemed like as soon as i moved to vancouver i gained weight, and not just muscle weight from biking everywhere.
one of the most ridiculous parts of this whole-brain struggle is that when i was at my “ideal” 10ish-pounds-lighter weight, i still wasn’t happy with the way i looked. i’ve had issues with my appearance, mainly focused on my stomach, since i was probably nine or ten. it’s so stupid to focus so much energy and dislike on a single body part. my body is visually appealing in so many other ways and it’s so strong and capable!
the real issue at hand isn’t the weight, whatever it may be, but my struggle to accept my awesome, strong, athletic body because of this weight. i’ve had brief periods where i’m happier with my body despite the weight gain (one of them was having my bra size measured to be several cups larger than i expected, another was when i was boxing a lot) but i keep swinging back to this unhappiness. i don’t believe that other people look at me and think negative thoughts about my body, and i get lots of positive reinforcement from my friends and boyfriend, but this is such a negative thought pattern and i don’t know how to crawl out of it.
recently i read a wonderful post on a similar subject: when i became a plus size model. it really hits home with me because i did a tonne of modeling when i was younger, although it wasn’t the professional level that this woman did. i keep reading things like that post, and talking with my friends, and at times it’s so inspiring but in the end it’s still so hard to be okay with those extra pounds. i haven’t found any magic way to just get over this–sometimes it’s easier to be happy with my appearance, and sometimes it’s so difficult.