much love monday: support system

today…well, today did not start off very well for me.  i had a huge, terrifying, anxiety attack while walking up to my cafe job.  i hid in a corner and frantically phoned my mom over and over until she picked up (she was finishing her bus route), and she talked to me while i cried and walked in the rain and walked away from my job and until finally i felt better and i sat under the cambie bridge like a troll.  i texted altaira, and she phoned me, for which i’m also so grateful.  even though the anxiety is gone i still feel a lingering sense of shame, of failing to do something that needed to be done, but that will fade, i think.

today i’m sending out so much love to the people who love me–because i’m lucky, i have not just one or two people to phone in a bad time, i have six or seven, and that is a god damn gift.   i am incredibly lucky to have such good people in my life, to not feel scared and anxious and alone.  holy cats, am i ever grateful.



4 thoughts on “much love monday: support system

  1. oh rin, i am so sorry you had to go through this. i know all too well the sudden panic that can fall on your head — right before you have to go somewhere/do something important — and the embarrassment and feeling of failure that comes after. 😦

    however, i’m really glad you have the support you need to call on! big hugs to you, i hope you are feeling a lot more centred now.

    thank you so much for the lovely long email you sent the other day, i shall get to replying on the weekend when i can think/write more thoughtfully!


    1. oh, it’s so nice of you to leave this note. i really wanted to be open about my anxiety–i know so many of my loved ones also share these same problems, and maybe my being open will help other people be honest & not feel stigmatized. i’m so lucky to have supportive folks in my life, it’s just a little sad to know how many deal with these same issues. i wish the people i love always had smooth sailing…!

      i’m feeling better, mostly…there are a few things that i’d like to fall into place, but they’ll happen. i must have faith and work hard! BUT tonight i spent working on a new painting, thinking of folklore and sending you big love vibes!!<3<3<3

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