job interview: you’re doing it wrong

job posting: assistant in a porn company, doing reviews, editing, etc.

FAIL

  1. thursday night:  instead of staying in and having a rousing evening filled with painting your nails and playing harvest moon, decide go out with your friends.  head to the local dive bar (the one with the surliest waitress in the world).  one of them has an expense account, keeps calling it THIRSTY THURSDAY and buys more rounds of tequila than you can remember.  since you are a three-drinks drunk, this means you get ridiculously wasted.
  2. skip to friend’s house, smoke cigarettes and eat samosas (?).  stumble the two blocks home, lay on the floor, and reflect that it’s been a long time since you’ve felt the room spin.
  3. friday morning: wake up tangled in the sheets and think, can i make it without barfing.  drink alka-selzer and sit on the floor in your underpants.  feel pathetic, but on the bright side at least you did not drunk text anything inappropriate last night, probably. meet expense-account friend for breakfast. drink a lot of coffee.  slowly revive.
  4. friday afternoon: catch a ride out to suburban hell (surrey), where the interview is, even though the job takes place in vancouver.  get lost at least three times, because surrey is, in all probability, the ninth ring of hell.   arrive half an hour late for the interview, even though the drive takes only half an hour and you left home ninety minutes ago.
  5. interviewee (who introduces himself as prince) doesn’t have any definite answers to questions; mumbles that the pay isn’t very good but won’t elaborate.
  6. prince has two iphones; receives a call but doesn’t answer, says he has to leave for ten minutes, and pleads for you not to leave before he gets back.  you wait, because this could get interesting.
  7. it doesn’t. you leave the interview and think ‘at least there is a winners here, because i need more sports bras’
  8. friday evening: now that your hungover brain has processed the events of the day, email prince with some questions.  prince claims to do reviews for pornhub and youporn, and that one must do 2.5 hour sessions of reviewing at a studio in surrey, for which you will receive $100.  when asked “are there any parameters of employment beyond reviewing?  he says “I must say it will be extremely arousing,  being playful will be nice.”
  9. decide firmly not to do this job, but decide to investigate further. when questioned about continuing vague responses, and why writing reviews would be so playful, job poster replies “I have a high sex drive”
  10. think about how much better today would’ve been if you could’ve slept off your hangover for about six more hours, instead of venturing out into the wasteland of surrey.  curse yourself for thinking that random craigslist shit could ever be legit (footjob guy?  fake photoshoots?  porn “review”?!).  although it was four hours of your life you’ll never get back, at least you got a blog post out of it…?
  11. start again tomorrow.  amateur domme videos?  yoga pants fetishist?  high-strung chihuahuas need a ride around the west end on an electric bicycle? WHAT’S UP I’M INTO IT
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