going beyond it

today, january fifth, is such a hard day for me. it is my wedding anniversary. five years ago, greg and i started a journey that brought us so much happiness and so much sadness. it seems important that i acknowledge it; last year, after everything fell apart, i took pains to conceal the break-up or just avoid mentioning the whole thing altogether, on this blog and in other online communities i participate in. i felt so vulnerable. i was so afraid people would say ‘i told you so’ or be otherwise unsupportive (for all i know, they have been, but not to my face. yay!). i didn’t really want to enter any kind of discourse about it except with those closest to me.

i can’t just pretend that this day isn’t happening, that five years ago greg and i weren’t celebrating our love in a series of small ways. i can’t hide the cynicism i have toward marriage and formal unions, the small bitter sadness i feel when hearing others plan their weddings lives together. i don’t see the point in dating anyone because everything ends, eventually. it’s a dark view that doesn’t resonate with my generally positive outlook on life, but right now it’s all i can see. it’s more important to me to put time into myself and my friendships because romantic partners are unreliable companions.

before i got married, i was so nervous! i talked to my friend maggie, who advised that i’d probably regret not doing it more than i would regret taking the plunge, and i think she was right. despite all of this–i have been so grateful to the experiences that came my way, the people i met, the places i traveled. the love i experienced.

although, in one way, i have been very fortunate. greg and i have worked through our problems, forgiven each other, and become close friends. we have realised the difficult differences that keep us apart and the things we love that keep us close. the gap in my life is still there, though; the plans we made together, how it felt to have a constant companion.

it would be dishonest not to list the ways my life has been positive since the separation: my move to vancouver, my artistic flowering, the massive amount i have learned about myself, the new closeness, honesty and peace in my relationship with greg. but god damn it, today i cannot help but to reflect on the love i saw before me on my wedding day and compare it to the lonely-sadness that creeps up once in a while. but it’s okay. it’s to be expected. every year it will get better. i’m not sad all the time–usually i’m quite content to be on my own, but this day is causing my introspection. pain is ephemeral, and i’ll forget. i have so much happiness in my life. this one sad day will not be able to hold my attention for so long.

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